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Some people are fans of the Washington Redskins. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Washington Redskins. This 2017 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those.

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• “But I’m using my whole ass!” Yes, Miami, time for you to drink in the full Jay Cutler experience. Watch in wonder as he takes five minutes to get from the.

Why Your Team Sucks 2. Miami Dolphins. Some people are fans of the Miami Dolphins. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Miami Dolphins. This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAYour 2. You guys made the playoffs!

Can you believe that? Watch What If Online. Man, I had completely forgotten about that. Real shock to scroll through the top of the draft order and NOT see this team there. Let’s see what went down once they reached the postseason… JESUS H. CHRIST! Dat’s gotta hoit! Anyway, that’s placebo QB Matt Moore, who was subbing for nominal starter Ryan Tannehill after Tannehill tore his ACL. As you know already, Tannehill tore that same ligament in a new place during the preseason and is already gone for the rest of 2.

Between Tannehill’s injuries and Moore having his brain atomized, the Dolphins are arguably much crueler to their own quarterbacks than they are to those of the opposition. Your coach: Oh look, it’s offensive guru and “Guy who got a job in the SNL writer’s room because Dad is a billionaire” Adam Gase! Honeymoon’s over, Gasey! You may have coasted into second place last year thanks to second helpings of the Jets and Bills, but now your QB is gone and you had to go begging and pleading for this… Your quarterback: HE’S BACK! But I’m using my whole ass!” Yes, Miami, time for you to drink in the full Jay Cutler experience. Watch in wonder as he takes five minutes to get from the sideline to the huddle!

Gaze in awe as he throws the ball at the turf the second he senses his pass protection has broken down! Marvel at his furious need to be intercepted! It’s all yours for six weeks before he goes down with a vague injury to his pointing finger and stays home to collect checks.

Make sure your children are vaccinated for mumps and rubella! Here’s a man who has publicly admitted he’s in lousy shape and only took the job because his wife made him do it. This is why it’s breathtakingly naïve to assume that Gase can magically conjure the Cutler of 2. AND his TDs, by the way) and had the best passer rating of his career.

If you’re a Dolphins fan who is currently in denial—and really, denial tends to be your resting state—you can look at Cutler’s career numbers and Tannehill’s numbers and note that there’s very little dropoff, if any, between the two. Cutler is Tannehill! Tannehill is Cutler! THAT’S NOT ENCOURAGING. It’s not encouraging when the dude who’s supposed to be your franchise QB can’t post better numbers than the fat naked guy this team had to pull off the street to replace him. It’s not encouraging when Tannehill has all the pocket awareness of a man stricken blind 1. Look at the Dolphins before they were in supposed crisis mode: Cutler isn’t the only reason you are fucked, people.

He’s merely a symptom of a greater disease, a disease to which he has not been immunized. What’s new that sucks: Uhhhh, Jarvis Landry is being investigated for battery, so that’s fun. Then he tweeted about the preseason being bullshit, and then there was this: I feel like Dolphins PR purposely leaked that Dolphins PR didn’t force Landry to shut up about his tweet because Dolphins PR DID force Landry to shut up about his tweet. Jordon Cameron retired before he could suffer his 9. The team also brought in aging linebacker Lawrence Timmons and tight end Julius Thomas, whose career trajectory after leaving Peyton Manning is a steeper drop than El Capitan.

Laremy Tunsil apparently doesn’t know how to exit a shower correctly. Here’s a dead Dolphin: What has always sucked: Ndamukong Suh cannot stop kicking people. It really is amazing. He has all the self- control of the President, and he’s gonna get another $1. Burfict- ing everyone this season. There’s no way that Miami pays to keep Suh around after this season, so I look forward to him not only burning every last bridge in Miami this season, but also stomping on the ashes when he thinks no one is looking. Also, Jay Ajayi is gonna suck this year.

I know it. I can feel it in my loins. No good Dolphins back stays good. After one good year, all of them transform into late- career Bernie Parmalee. As for this team’s fans… is anyone intimidated by a Dolphins fan, ever? Look at this group of tubby boat captains get into a fight in the stands. Every NFL Sunday, every sports bar on Earth has exactly one Dolphins fan sitting in it, wearing a Marino jersey, looking around for other Miami fans like he’s been frozen out at the school cafeteria.

They are the two- dollar bill of the sports bar crowd. Lemme tell you something, sad Dolphins fan at the bar: No one else is coming. It’s just you. You get to watch Cutler wing it to the Gatorade cooler on third- and- 1. Stephen Ross is America’s most pathetic social climber.

That one Hootie song is god awful. Did you know? The Dolphins’ most famous thing in the last 2. Ace Ventura. For everyone around my age, that is basically the only remotely positive connotation the Dolphins have. By the way, this team DID have a live Dolphin mascot in a stadium fish tank back in the 1. What a bunch of cheap shitbags. I DEMAND REAL DOLPHINS AND I DEMAND THEY KICK FIELD GOALS WITH THEIR LITTLE DOLPHIN FLIPPERS.

Tell me attendance doesn’t triple if that happens. WHO SAYS NO? What might not suck: Honestly? Cutler’s got a quality butt. I’d be proud to have that butt. HEAR IT FROM DOLPHINS FANS!

Matt: Jay Cutler. Chris: I’ve been begging for the release/disappearance of Tannehill for years and boy did that become the biggest monkey paw wish in history.

Albert: “Jay Cutler had his best season under offensive co- ordinator Adam Gase”**Looks up 2. Chicago Bears. 6- 1. NFC North.**Looks up how the Dolphins did following last playoff appearance (2. AFC East. Looking forward to it.

Tyler: A month ago I would have said it’s because Ryan Tannehill was somehow approaching his fourth straight “make or break” season, which made no sense. Maybe would have added a joke about how Tannehill couldn’t even fully tear his ACL. Ha ha ha! Except.. Now I would seriously give anything to go back to that situation. Eric: The Dolphins suck because somehow I consider beating the Jets and going 1- 1 against the Bills a successful season. Chris: One time I called Randy Mc.

Michael “Chris Chambers” to his face by accident, so I’m probably a racist. David: We took John Beck, Chad Henne, and Pat White in consecutive drafts. Brent: Can’t wait for Brady and Belichick to retire so we can get pummeled in the first round of the playoffs every two years instead of every eight years. Michael: Somehow, last year was the first year in as long as I can remember that the Dolphins didn’t do something inherently embarrassing to draw my ire, even going as far as making the playoffs Fast forward to now and I feel like Jay Cutler’s face looks. Steve: Me (to Dad): So did you see that the Dolphins signed Jay Cutler? Dad: Yeah I saw that.

Mom (Who has never watched an NFL game but has overheard my Dolphins lamentations for years): Doesn’t he suck? Me: You’re thinking of Jay Fiedler.. David: The Dolphins are like watching an old lady try to save her lap dog from running into traffic and subsequently getting creamed by a semi.

This team is a graveyard. Lewis: I grew up relatively close to New Orleans (rural Mississippi) and lived eight of the past 1. San Diego County. I was given two opportunities to acclimate into a fan base for two other teams by residence proximity, but because of Ace Ventura and Dan Marino, I’ve made a conscious decision to remain a Dolphins fan since childhood.

Why Your Team Sucks 2. Washington Redskins. Some people are fans of the Washington Redskins. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Washington Redskins. This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team: Go fuck yourselves. Your 2. 01. 6 record: 8- 7- 1, featuring one of my favorite interceptions of all time. Witness: [furious fapping noises]Oh, baby. Oh, I LIKE THAT. I like that a whole, whole lot.

FACT: That was the only good thing that happened in the NFL last season. The rest of the season was miserable, but that pick? HEAVENLY. You guys were really feeling yourselves after destroying the Packers, weren’t you?

Only made it sweeter when the Skins bombed against a Carolina team that was already mailing it in, and then were finally eliminated on the above play. The Giants weren’t even playing for anything. GLORY TO GOD. I despise this team.

Every indignity they suffer is a victory for mankind. They belong in the dumpster with their awful playbooks.

By the way, the Skins are gonna pay the man who threw that pick $2. I’m over the moon. Your coach: Jay Gruden. Again, Jay Gruden sounds exactly like a handyman running you through an estimate.

Once you hear it, it cannot be unheard. Yeah so, we’ll just tear out some of that drywall there and fix it up good, yep. Patch it up with some joint compound and then you’re set to go. Looking at around, eh, let’s call it $2.

Remember when he truthered one of his own player’s concussion problems? That was fun. I have no confidence in this man to do anything useful. Any success of his is a clear accident. Elsewhere on the staff, Sean Mc.

Vay fled to the Rams and the team dropped defensive coordinator Joe Barry after his masterful strategy of NOT putting his best corner on Antonio Brown backfired. And how did Gruden fill both these vacancies?

On offense, he promoted Matt Cavanaugh, whose greatest claim to fame is presiding over the worst Super Bowl- winning offense in history. On defense, the team conducted a bizarrely drawn- out search (can this team ever not bungle a hiring process?) that included also- rans like Gus Bradley and Mike Pettine before they were forced to meekly elevate Greg Manusky to the job.

I love it when the Skins get spurned by every possible outside candidate before turning around, finding some pud already in the building, and then being like, “Well this was CLEARLY the man for the job.” But they did manage to bring in one very special assistant… YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. People of D. C., your defensive line is in good hands now that Jim Tomsula has arrived. Jay Gruden may sound like a handyman but Tomsula IS one. All the man needs is a piece of cardboard and some gum from the underside of a park bench, and he’s ready to WORK. Your quarterback: Kurt Cousins!

Apart from full- on contraction, I can think of no better fate for this team than for them to be held hostage by a thoroughly average, hotheaded quarterback who times his interceptions for maximum devastation. Kirk Cousins’s franchise tag in 2. Skins will probably have to pay up if they don’t want him to walk to L. A. or San Fran. How marvelous.

Since Dan Snyder and his toadies have all the interpersonal skills of a Trump press secretary, they fucked up every possible aspect of handling the Cousins situation. They could have locked him down at $2. Then they low- balled Cousins when he outplayed that figure. Then Cousins personally appealed to Snyder for a trade and was denied.

Then they tarred Cousins as greedy. Then team President Bruce Allen—aka Fancy Vinny Cerrato—kept calling him “Kurt” and the PR staff attributed it to his accent. At this point, the Skins have essentially painted themselves into a corner where they’d actually benefit from having Cousins snap his leg while playing out there. I was around this spring as this fanbase tried to talk itself into every possible Kirk Cousin endgame scenario. Well, it would be nice to keep him, but if we DON’T… we could get 1. I can’t wait for this to happen all over again next spring, and the spring after that, and the spring after that. Kirk Cousins is gonna throw 1.

Snyder. I love him now. What’s new that sucks: Oh, the just the standard Skins thing where they froze their own general manager out of the pre- draft process, let him twist, canned him right before the draft, and then deliberately leaked stories about him being a drunk to the Washington Post. An official with direct knowledge of the situation attributed the decision to Mc. Cloughan’s ongoing problems with alcohol… “He’s had multiple relapses due to alcohol,” said the official, who spoke on a condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to comment on personnel matters. He showed up in the locker room drunk on multiple occasions. This has been a disaster for 1. Yep, just another pathetic offseason in Dan Snyder’s crypt.

Not only did they smear Scot Mc. Cloughan on their way out of town, but of course they kept his draft board and scouting reports and used all of them. I cannot emphasize enough how gross these people are. Allen is a boozer who doesn’t like anyone stealing credit from him, and who openly told Mc.

Cloughan, “Nobody likes you in this building. Nobody wants you here.” Join us next offseason when he leaks to Liz Clarke that Jay Gruden is a crack addict.

He and Snyder and Larry Michael and PR goon Tony Wyllie all deserve to rot in hell. After a cursory GM search that included mildly amusing rumored candidates like Mike Mayock, the team decided to hire from within (what a surprise!) and promote Doug Williams. And with that, Snyder’s supply of Glory Days Skins to trot out when everything is a raging tire fire has been just about depleted. On the field, the team lost De. Sean Jackson and Pierre Garçon, then signed Terrelle Pryor away from Cleveland to make up for the losses. Pryor was the Browns’ best wideout last year by far and they let him walk for nothing. Did that ring ANY alarm bells in Ashburn?

Did it cause them to wonder at all about Pryor’s penchant for turdery? Nope. No, they already knew he’d fit right in. And really, what does it matter? This team doesn’t really give a fuck about winning football games. Snyder has an enormous hard- on for a new stadium and is already muscling press outlets and bribing state governors to get it. Everything else is window dressing. All he cares about is getting a new joint where he can charge $1.

Pepsi logo on everything. Look at this fat ruddy shitheap: That Tostitos bag…that’s Dan Snyder’s Super Bowl ring. Given this man’s business acumen, I expect Pepsi. Co to go bankrupt sometime within the next five days thanks to this partnership. What has always sucked: Vile.

Disgusting, vile, despicable, miserable scum. Pigs. Like the President, the Skins have fashioned bullying and incompetence and proud ignorance into their brand essence, alienating most of society while cultivating their own grotesque orc base that cheers on their every fuckup and excuses their monstrous treatment of fans, employees, and entire municipalities.

They have found their niche as the Official NFL Team Of Terrible People and have no compunction about exploiting their standing to the fullest. Indeed, I think Snyder ENJOYS having this team shoot itself in the face every offseason. Shamelessness is the only business he seems to thrive in.

They deserve to have nothing but bad things happen to them from here into infinity. And to Terry Mc. Auliffe and any other dickless pol who is actually entertaining the idea of gifting Snyder his own billion- dollar Snyderworld stadium?

FUCK. YOU. Fuck you a million times. Shame on you. Shame on you and everything you’ve ever stood for. Pairing up with this team is the surest sign that you give ZERO fucks about the people you purport to represent. You should be jailed for war crimes. No themed Tostitos for you.

Terry Mc. Auliffe was willing to publicly trash D. C. and Maryland just so he could crawl an extra inch inside Snyder’s ass. He’s a rat- faced fuck.